My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
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