I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
