Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I have post one night stand depression
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