Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
