last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
