I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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