and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
He passed out mid-signature
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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