I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
