cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
