I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
