The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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