well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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