also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
