Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
