Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
