I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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