he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
