Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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