for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
