Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
