he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
