There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
