I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
