mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
