if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
