So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
