Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
