My Higher Power is John Stamos
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
