i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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