it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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