my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
