Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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