lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
