wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
