I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I intend to get homeless drunk
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
