Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
