Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Terrible idea I love it
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
