God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
