she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
