He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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