we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
