My underwear smells like fireworks.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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