So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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