There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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