In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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