The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
