I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
