and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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