Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
