Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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